Down Right Luck

Here I wonder off to.
Again with the intoxication
Just to sleep.
Lay in surroundings I can't make out.
Shut my mind down to kill emotions.

Less then I need,
More than I can handle.
Deprived of him.

You all make me sick,
Rage deep within,
That's why I had to leave
Even when I know he needs me.

Your the people I'd change.
Your the infection that I bite at.
I can't be happy.
He won't hold me,
And I'm lifeless in these dreams.

You don't have the skills to sugarcoat
Can't you see I make him smile?
It's not good enough for you.
Your disgusting and have no self respect.

If you think I wouldn't....
In less than a second I would have you

Gashed and torn,
And I still care?
Pathetic.

My body pulses,
And I reach for him
He kisses my hair
He dosen't know I'm crying.
"No worries my kitty"
I shake my head,
"No worries puppy."

Because this world can't accept
Beauty and the Beast.
The prince fell in love with a wench.
But that happens to be her past.
They don't even understand that.
They don't even know of her past.

She's not use to being hated.
She dosen't understand the cruel behavior.
And he has no problems fighting back,
Because he's had enough.

But how am I to stab back?
Good natured and nothing more.
And my sorrow wants death.
My body wants the paralyzed tempation to be fed.
But not today.
He dosen't approve.

Another unauthorized perscription.
To get away from the society I'm placed in.
He's no better.
He struggles more than I.
And it pains me to see him this way constantly.
Focused on me leaving rather than the time we have.

It kills me when he watches me walk away,
It bothers me that I must have left him with sadness
But there was nothing more I can do,
He told me himself,
As long as I care,
Its more than he could ask for.

Digging in the grave
Making a place,
Stone by stone,
Shovelful of dirt,
The parasites are welcomed for company,
Leave me to agony.

Goodbye my dark prince,
So radiant and un-pure,
Today my mind can't help but
Break down to cry for my emotionless heart.

I know I'll see you soon,
but its not good enough for me.
Not today.
Not when sanity is far from my stable.

J.V.O.

I lean in to kiss you and our lips meet. You close your eyes and mine stay open. I fear if I allow my eyes to shut you may not be around when I wake from the trance kissing you surrounds me with. And to see your face so close to mine, and feel your hands on my face or in my hair all of it makes me weak. Your glamorous smile glistens in the dark created from the blanket covering our warm bodies. I shiver and you pull me as if I could get any closer to you. You run you hand up and down my arms and body to create heat as you exhale on my neck melting the icy feeling, warming my blood. And I'm getting warmer, but I shiver and chatter my teeth. You hold me. I wrap you up in my arms, I kiss you and once again I'm lost. I wish I could see your eyes, but it's dark, I wish I could see your face, but there isn't enough light. I fearfully close my eyes and feel you. Your face, the hair on your chin, the back of your neck, my fingers come across the cross earring you wear and I bite down on your bottom lip. I can't see you... but I feel you. I imagine what we look like from an outsiders view. From someone that could smile at us. Not our overstimulated friends. Our... I see it as I video being played back. I see us happy and in love. And I feel the passion inside me. Not the passion of lust, but the passion of love. The feeling that drives me to dream. When I know that I'm happy just being next to you. When I don't mind your hands off me. When I don't care if this goes any further tonight. When I all I want to do is kiss you until the sun comes up and then sets back down once more. Every touch of your skin makes everything go away, these kisses... they take it my pain. It takes away the misery. Your better than the best of drugs my body has craved for me to consume another time. All I have to do is reply the times we've been together and I can survive another day, just long enough to make another memory with the man I love. To take each and everyday step by step with his hand in mine. What a precious thing I have come across. What a lovely picture I see being painted. All these emotions to match the colors. As difficult as you may be sometimes you always make up for it. Your stubbornness is nothing compared to your loving actions. It bothers me, and eats at me, time to time, but I excpect it. I love that part of you just as much as I love the sweet tasting compassion you give. And just thinking of our eyes locked for the short time we allow ourselves to stare feels me with joy. You read me like the books I've written in my head. They flow to a simple audience. It puts me out of my own place. It sets me back. And I'm scared you'll get bored of me. Im afraid that I may act too childish with you too often. I give away my gun as it's loaded, but never once have you used it on me. I just trust you. I feel comfortable with you. I love you with the parts of me I never knew I could love with. You opened the places that had been numb for too long. The parts of me I couldn't understand and the happiness I've always wanted to experience. You don't know how often I think about getting married to you. I know we agreed on Shadow and Amy Rose, yet I still picture you in a white tux. Your hair curly just the way I like it and it glistens in the sun. It's on the beach and our close friends and family are there. Nothing is fancy really. I don't even have a super crazy dress. Just a simple red one. Something so simple... from like Sears. Because.... I don't want our wedding to be expensive. I don't care if the bride maid's are even wearing a dress... All I care about is being there with you. That we proved everyone wrong about us. That we really do love each other, that I know I made the right choice when I said yes to you. When I take a deep breathe of ocean air right before I say "I do". And how I know my mother would love you. And that's why it breaks my heart even more that I found you now and not before. Because... you would be with me every night. She would have let you moved in with me. She could fix things. But my poor mother, she was always able to fix everything for everyone other than herself. I took advantage of her. Of her love. Of her money, of our time together and I hate myself for it everyday. I know you struggle with things. I know you have had and are still going through your hard times. Mine... are going on still. And I blame myself so much for her death. All she ever did was try to hold me and I'll I did was push her away. Day by day... word by word. And all these fond memories I have of her.... there is so much pain in them because, I look in the mirror, and I have her eyes. I see her nose, and smile. And if my hair was blond... I wouldn't be able to deal with it. I would not have the courage to get up every morning. I know my whole life all she did was try to connect with me, and as ironic as it sounds, once she did, two months later she passes away. And I'm left with all the burdens she had. And to tell you the honest truth, I fear having a daughter. Because I know how much I hurt my mother, and I don't want to be hurt by mine the way I hurt my mother. That, and I would be jealous. From my understanding, the most beautiful relationship is that of a father and daughter. But, I want you to have that. I really do. And by this point I'm so emotional that I'm speaking of anything that comes to mind. The things that I think about when we are together and apart. The things I want to tell you, but they get lost in my mind once I've thought of them.
I love the way you touch me, I love the way you whisper in my ear, I love the way you speak to me, I love the way our hands fit together, I love how I have a place to get lost and enjoy the mental illness that comes along with it, I love how your clingy, but still distant. You intrigue me and even though I have the main part of you figured out it's going to take me such a long time to understand your thinking process as well as I wish to. When I'm with you, I know that I'm predictable. I'm so childlike, and I'm so careless... but not a lot of people see that part of me. And a lot more have seen that because they are around me when you are. I'm serious, you really have this odd effect on me. And I really wish that I could step out of that sometimes and speak the way I write, and shower you with the truth without getting shy. But... that side of me I pull out when I feel weak and less. When I need confidence, but your enough confidence for me. You love me. And I know I love you. And no matter what silly thing we argue about or disagree about, I'm not going to let anything get in between us. Just as I said the night I first laid next to you. Nothing, I wont let anything get in between us. Even if I had to run and hide from the places I'm most comfortable with. I'd do almost anything for you at the time being. And I know those few things I wouldn't do now.... once time grows and I understand your thinking process completely would I do those things. And you've asked me to do such things before and I placed my hand on your throat, but I couldn't come to it.

Willow and Shadow

The time I spend with you is priceless. I love laying next to you and feeling your body next to mine. I seem restless and times, only because I don't want to miss out on you. My fears take over me sometimes, and you don't help them go away. I want you to be real. You are real. You have to be. How could I come up with something like you? And why do you like to tell me you'll be gone in the morning? I hate it. I don't want to lose you. The love you give me makes my heart warm. I don't want to wake up and you be gone. I'm sorry for the times I did it to you. I didn't want to. I wanted to stay. I wanted to wrap you up in my arms, because there is no better feeling than being close to you. Not kissing you, not making you laugh, not the smile you give me.... just being close to you. It's comforting in every situation. The times I give into temptaion, the times I need to cry, the times I laugh my ass off at myself, the times I feel anger and hate, the times I miss my family... Being in your arms, laying next to you, feeling you... it gives me something real. It gives me something to wake up for. It keeps me intrigued in this life. It leaves me feeling satisfied and loved. And yes, we have agreed you love me more. And I wonder why... I love you so much... I want to love you the way you love me. But for some reason I think I can't because you don't want me to. I don't understand it.

And I can't wait for the time where I can fall asleep to you every night and wake up in the morning knowing I'll be able to fall asleep where I did last night. In solace, in stregnth, in satisfaction and love. Why can't I have you with me every where I go? Let's sleep forever. If that's the only time I can have you next to me... damned be the people who wake me from the slumber I share with you. fuck the phone and the world around us. I love being lost in you. Spending countless hours with you that go by way to fast. When I'll I care to think about is being with you. And I hate having to walk away. I can't stand it when you have to go or I must leave. Because when your not there...
I sometimes beleive that I've made you up. But it dosen't add up. If I did... why can't I have you here all the time? How does that work. Honestly. Your a shadow... and I'm a tree...
It does make some since. A tree will stay standing until it's cut down... a shadow... is only visible for half the day.

There once was a tree. She stood tall and her branches reached for the sky. She was in love. The clouds gave her comfort and birds kept her comapny. Her heart sung out to her lover daily. He would come to hold her and make love to her by night. But one night he never came. She waited for him. She didn't understand what was the problem. She grew weak. She grew sick and her branches began to fall towards the ground. She was dying. But she didn't know it. She lost her happiness. The birds no longer came to say hello and the clouds went away. It had been a while before she opened her eyes. She looked at herself. Her eyes followed her branches to the ground. She felt so ugly. What happened to her? She couldn't understand. But she noticed a dark figure on the ground. It was beanthe her and she tried speaking to it. It said nothing. Another day went by and her intreste in the dark figure grew. Finally it spoke. Shadow was his name. He wasn't like the sky, he wasn't like the birds, he wasn't like her last lover. But he was far more better. He was mysterious. He wasn't easy to understood, which is why she continued to listen to the strange figure talk. She learned more about him and more about herself. She didn't understand, but she was falling in love with this Shadow. He already had love for her. Love she didn't understand, love she hadn't recgonized, but she felt it pull on her. She felt it give her hope again. And one morning she looked at herself once again. it had been a while. She didn't like what she had seen last time, but this time... she saw how beautiful she became. Her branches still fell towards the ground, but her leaves where greener then they had been before. She glowed in the moon light and she smiled. And she realized...
That without her... there would be no Shadow. That she was scared to love him the way he loved her. She never realized that she wouldn't be the one left alone. If there was no Willow tree, if she didn't stand where she stood, Shadow wouldn't exist.

Odd Couple

I wonder how your soul became so corrupted. I should have more fear towards you. You only intrigue me. We lay side by side and I know your digging deep into my soul. You already know. You already know no matter how hard I try to be of evil intent I can't be. Not now. Not when I'm happy like this. Not when I think I know what love is. How is it that loving someone they way you do is more powerful than when I love? Why is your love more valuable than mine? Because... it's hard for evil to love. The pure heart I have isn't uncommon. It's unique, someone like me can only know how to love and not to hate. You though... Your something else. Beyond this world. You come from the places I think about. Your a figment of my imagination just as I am to you.

You finally have been able to develop the mental awareness of what it is you want. You want someone similar to you, so you can figure them out, but of opposite force so you can play both parts of the field. Same as me. We are similar in though process, but we differ in thoughts. We have the same mental ability and coherence. Only when I write for you do you understand how I am not a child. Only when we are apart do you realize how smart I am. Because when I'm with you I don't need to prove anything. You wonder..
Why does she act so silly?
Why is she always laughing?
How is it she is so smart but can act so stupid.

I'd rather be stupid then dumb. Stupid is knowing something is wrong, or knowing something is childish and still doing it. I know the difference. I just love being able to act free. I don't always want to be serious. Why? Why would I be. My inner child never had the chance to grow. I'm allowing it to do so. I fear though, my inner child will grow up to fast, just as I did. I like being childish. I love being to act the way I do with you. I can't act like that with everyone. You know it. So being able to have a person to come to and accept that I need to do certain things for myself without being able to fear judgement, then I'm comfortable and I feel I have a place to be who I want to be.

Sometimes we need a place to hide right? If I wanted to hide... I'd run from you. I'd lie to you, I'd want nothing to do with you. But that wouldn't do anything, because you'd find me. I'm already into deep. You tempt me with your inner disasters. They are things I don't understand. I may think I do, but when your around I can't think properly. I am unable to understand what bothers me about you. I love you. But differently then you love me. And it's scary. But I enjoy it. Tell me why is it I feel you will be the death of me. The one person I would never think of, when other people have had me bleed love into the sky for them.... when you... don't ask me for such things, you my love will be the end of my misery and happiness. I wasted my time on them. I lost my virginity to the wrong person. I've experienced life with the wrong people. Why couldn't I wait? Why did I have to be so selfish? Because now... I feel unfaithful for things I did when I didn't even know you. I feel dirty for thoughts I once had and fantasies I desire.

You're slowly dying. Everyday more of you disappears and the creature within your soul takes up more of your smile. It kills me that the one person that has been able to love me the way I want to be loved is dying because he loves me. You confuse me and hurt me. But you don't know. But you do. You have to know it. You give me words and allow me to take them how I want them. If I love you so much then why do I let them hurt me? Because of my fears. Fears of you leaving...
Fears of me over reacting. I've never been able to keep so cool with anyone else. You have me spellbound. All you have to do is look into my eyes.

I know why your darkness draws me in. It's something I don't understand. It's something that I have craved for years. The lust, the sexual attention, the innocents you play. And I'm not sure to why you don't want me to share my dreams with other people. Are you afraid that if I speak to someone else about it I will figure something out about you that you don't want me to know? I think I have became mentally paranoid. I'm not happy with it, but it's my own doing. I don't have much to distract me from my illness. The illness I have created. But... in the end...

Dark consumes light.
And that is why I chase you. I know the truth. I've known it for only a year, but I know it. I want to be quipped and I want to stay standing. I already know I'll regret it. I already know I will miss the joy I feel as a happy person. I will miss the light and you can only die if you happy. You can't die in misery. You cant die in pain. Because it will not leave you. When you choose eternal pain there is no turning back. And what you want... is someone to be suffer with you. And you warn me. You tell me I won't like it. But I'm so stubborn. I don't want you to be right. I want to be right. I don't like to be wrong. But I already know I am, but my point is to keep fighting to at least try and prove I'm right. Because when you negotiate with evil... one is a fool. And evil will because the good has to much trust that there is good in everything.

A Look Into The Future

Today it was hard to wake up. It was hard to go outside. And it was hard to make it all the way over to Jon's. Something was wrong. I had been paranoid since 8pm the following evening. I hate being alone in this house. It may be the memories I've created here. All the things I've done that I shouldn't have and they haunt me when no one else is around. I could go on a list of things I've done here. The things I've tried to do here. And I think that is why I can't be in this house alone for too long. I need someone to talk to. And I dearly miss Louis. I'm sure the poltergeist do too. Or maybe they just like having me here. It's more fun for them because I pay attention to them and they bother me. They seriously play tricks with me and it's starting to drive me insane. It even brought me to my knees to pray. They even followed me when I went to the store this morning. It was such a sunny day, but they sat and waited in the shadows. And they turned into creepy old men looking at me and crazy looking trucks. Oh yes they did. And they tried to fool me. I allow them to get too close to me sometimes. They get in my head and then my stomach and I get really really sick. And I wasn't even feeling well enough to go see Jon. But I said fuck it. I'm so scared here. And I made my way there. It was a journey. Even the sky was off to me. It just bothered me. Everything about it. The color, the clouds the birds the sun. It all made me feel damned.

And then Jon wasn't even there when I got there. I was told he would be gone for a few hours. And I was glad I wasn't alone, but still not well enough. For some reason I felt as whatever power there is, that is greater than us knew I needed Jon like I did. He arrived fifteen minuets later. Wasn't long at all! And he had a Kitty with him! It made me smile and confused. He doesn't like cats. But he seemed to really like this kitten.

As the day went on... I settled a worried both he and I had. And he asked me if I wanted to have a kid. He amuses me. It's not that he was joking, but the way he goes about asking and doing the things he does brings me joy. He's not conservative about things society would be and he's in love. Just as I am. And he doesn't care. He was serious. And so was I. But... we didn't mean right now. For future plans. After the wedding... (in a year)

Jon decied to name the kitten Shadow Willow. Cute huh? lol. And I'm Mommy Willow and he's Daddy Shadow. Daddy-o! We had a great day. It was just lovely. We laid down with the kitten. And the three of us tried to sleep. The only one that got any sleep was the baby. Jon and I cuddled and then I'm sure teased eachother mockingly and lovingly. And everyone kept saying "the perfect little family" ok, maybe not everyone but Patrick did. It was cute. If you were to see the two of us with that kitten... you would have seen so much joy. It was like we had our own kid.

"Pretty like her mommy and twitchy like her dad" Jon said as he watched her sleep.
All I could do was smile and let the warmnth in me grow stronger even when I didn't know how to handle it.

Not only do we work well with eachother... we don't argue. We discuss things. Jon can be a stubborn person sometimes... but I am too. And yeah it took me a while to get out of him what I wanted out of him, but it worked. And I didn't yell or get mad, I just urged him to tell me so things could be right with us. He holds things in he shouldn't with me. And I know one day he'll understand how I work. And even when I'm on my period I am reasonable. And it's only with him. It's because our personalities fit together like that. He wants things to work out and so do i. It's not about being right, it's about finding the truth so our relationship can continue positivly and grow.

It bothers me that some people try to tear us apart. That they feed lies to him about me, and lies about me to him. It's pathetic. It's childish. Everyone know's before we got together what a mess the both of us were. But now.. we are happy. And for me I truly am happy. He's always there for me. I can talk to him about anything. And seriously... ANYTHING. He always understands. And I understand him even though sometimes he thinks I don't. He's been through a hard time and a lot of people wouldn't be able to grasp the intensty of it, but I do. I really do. I went through similar things. I just don't like shouting it out to the world. Not that he does, he doesn't, but just because I'm no longer going through those struggles, doesn't mean I lost the emotions I had when I did. I'm just refurring to something someone had said. I come off really decent. I act modest compared to some of my friends, but that doesn't mean I haven't been through things they have, I just know that not everyone needs to know what happened to me when I was younger. What good would it bring me? It would be different if it was my current situation. But it's not.

Jon tells me he's not good enough for me. But.. I don't know why he says this. It bothers me. I love him very much. He is charming, and handsome, loving, caring... He gives me everything that I've been searching for since I was able to dream about being with a guy. Love. I don't need money, or a car, or new shoes every week... a house... I don't need to be taken out to eat every weekend... He offers me the purest love.. the most caring arms to lay in. He gives me the world every day. He gives me a palce to hide, a person to cry to. A trustworthy lover, a faithful friend, a loyal comapnion. Yeah. He just... is everything I've ever wanted. And I don't think he'll ever understand it. I don't think so. Because.. to him... there are better looking guys. There are better off guys.. there are guys that are rich that I could get. There are guys that he see's better than himself. But those guys don't have anything to offer but failuer and twisted values.

Jon knows what life is about the way I know it. Jon and I share some of the same ideas. And we haven't even spoken of these things... but I already know. We think similar. We are different, have different lives, different people to deal with, and different emotional levels, but we do think similar. He's very articulate and I can't say what I want to say in an intellcutal way, but I am very intellctual, I just also of the balance of a the blond sterotype in me. But... I dont know... I think it makes me likeable. Makes me different. And it makes me laugh. I enjoy it. I enjoy the way I am. Well... thanks to Jon I'm able again anyways.


I want to be with him. I love being with him. I'm looking forward to the wedding. And after today... while laying with him and the kitten... I know I've always wanted kids. But I also know you can't have kids with just anyone. You can't. And the way he acted with the kitten... I... I... it just made my heart flutter. Because I knew... that he's the only guy I've come acrossed and been able to really say he would make a great father. We would do such a good job at it. He's not gonna be perfect right away. And I already know that. But what i saw in him today was... he did everything he could to love that kitten. He did everything he thought was right for kitten. And.... that's what a dad should be like. He dosen't have to do everything right. He shouldn't do everything right... (that's what the mom is for) but.... he does need to be loving, and caring. He does need to put his all into it.






Left to Right: My brother Noah, My Boyfriend Jon

Irrational?

I'm living in an irrational fantasy.

: lacking usual or normal mental clarity or coherence.

You may not believe in the things that I do, and I certanitly don't believe what you do. It doesn't make sense to me. You cant see how my theroies are possible, but I do. Another difference in you is I'm the kind of person that makes my dreams come true, when you my friend wait to be told what to do. I take my pleasure with my pain, I'm so unlike you. I'm the one that knows what the real value and priority is this world, when you don't have a clue. I don't live by anyones standards. Who makes society worthy? You may out number us, but that dosen't make you right. There is more to this life. More than money, more than fancy cars and big houses. Knowledge! It can be the devil. It has more powers than paper ever will. Taking one concept into another. Starting with an empty energy and creating it to take the form you give it. One concept that we know as Evil. We took the concpet and gave it letters that form a word. Letters that create a coherence between the concept and space. Then you take the idea of evil it apply it to an object. In my case, money. Money is the concept of evil. We give every object a different word for the same concept. That concept is taken apart from a namless engery. The only energy that does exsits. We have developed a way to take apart the small characterstics of this enegery to do other deeds. It all depends on how you would look at the enegry to determine what it was. You can look at money is different way. It helps us with food and such, but it also is used to plan a family members death. It all depends on how you look at money, its the same with this energy. We all have a set way as to looking upon a cituation or object. Everyone would react to the cituation or object differently. If we were all apart of this energy fully on a small percent of us would still exsist. We all have found this comfort here so we can continue to the energy and finding the best place to be. We had to go through so many different trials and positive walks to understand our selves. Now... how do you look at it now? We usually begin our life with the "good" side of things being done, now that your older it makes sense to commit crimes or sin. Now... which seems more of the likely? We came from another world thinking we were worthy enough to pass through the clouds, when we got here we were such angels, but we realized that we are actually walking above blistering flames. Or did we come from a hell and we were given another chance to make it to the "light"? we tried in the begining to make up for what we did wrong but it wasn't rewarding and we fell to temptation. Then... there is always this possiblity. There is no good there is no evil. We are all the same. Different cituations different things should be done. It doesnt matter who is looking at the outside view. Its a fifty fifty chance that someone sees it the way you do. Wrong, or right. And then who determines what is good and what is bad. What if good is bad and bad is good? All it takes is one person to say one thing and everyone shakes thier head or nods.

So who is to say my fantasy is irrational? If I think it is rational, then it is. It will come true in my world. When I begin to doubt in my powers, in my ablitly, to my connection to this universe then that's what I loose the things around me. When I give up on my body, the soul starts to pull away and continue to rip in half. What I wants comes to me. I just have to have more faith in certain cituations. Thing is it only works in the cituation that seems the worse ones. Rules were meant to be broken. I needed her, I cried for her, and I recieved her in a new form. I needed him, I cried for him, and I got him in a new form. Only when I sit and think of you do I realize how much attention he pays attention to me. When I want his attention, when I focus on it, I don't get enough. Yet, you pop in my mind. When he said he use to climb trees, all the time, I think about you and when I would watch you at work. Then he turns to me and tells me what a beautiful necklace I have, I laugh in irony. You gave that to me. Merry Christmas baby girl. Your stuck in my thick skull. Its thicker in areas then others. Where school and life use to be worth it to me, that escaped and I'm stuck in this. Lost in these damn memories. Its funny how I have the worst nights when I sleep alone, where all I want to do is fall asleep next to you, but whenever you lay to me I couldn't sleep. How I want to do everything by yourside, but when your here I cant do anything? Balance of powers. It sickenss me. I dont know which one gives more posion. What society thinks is right or is realitly that thier wrong is right?

Say What's Needed

As I grow older I grow wiser. We obtain wisdom from the thought process we have, but can not be stronger without the people we encounter and interact with. The cherished moments and the insight of others that we love stick to us and can make us a better person or a weaker one. We pick up things to add to our personality from the people we love. Or the people we have to be around more than often. Around different people we act differently. But why? It's the human nature to impress and connect. If you have a conversation with someone and there are two different levels present one person may not feel understood or won't be able to understand.
For instance...
If I began to talk about my intellectual theories with my 13 year old brother I doubt he would be able to comprehend. It's not that Noah isn't an intelligent person, the things he has been through, the people he is around constantly, the way his thinking process works, his likes and dislikes, and the different things he has experinced hasn't allowed that part of his mental ability to become active. I know one day I'll be able to share my thoughts about certain things with him, but I couldn't now. But I do carry with me his sense of humor and laughter. The laughter of care free child.

Another quality I have seen in someone else and grew to understand is the ability to be a hard worker. I've been around hard workers all my life. My mother, my father, grandmother and other family members. But not until I had a relationship with Michael Waller was able to understand the meaning of it. Sometimes it takes us more than one obseravation to get the hang of things. He would find a reason every morning to do what he had to do. Living for now and not tomorrow. Tomorrow isn't always granted. Nothing ever is. We have to seek out and acomplish these things. I have been applying this to each and every day. If i feel sick like I did this morning.... when i didn't want to get up I thought of why I should. Someone was counting on me. Someone I love very much needed me to be there for him. I did my best to wake and make myself feel better. I got dressed, did my hair and make up and I felt good about myself when I saw Jon. I smiled and he smiled. He hugged and kissed. And I began to feel better.

I've been able to gather different things from different people. These are just some of the few. And last night I realized that there is something else that, not only is a great quality, I want to equipt it. The ablity to say only what needs to be said. And this is something Jon does. Not only has he told me he only says what needs to be said, but I realize there are things he thinks of, but wont say. Because it's unnecassary. And today... I didn't do such a great job doing this. But now that I know this, and now that I have an understanding of it I believe I will be able to do it. Of course with the right people. Some people I still can goof around and joke with. In some situations it's fine to go about being a dork. But others.... I should take more caution to. And realize who I am speaking to when I say things. It's not that I said anything drastic... this person will soon forget what was said. I know it brought bother up, but it will go away.

But... there will be a time, if I am not thinking, when I say something and it destory something. A relationship, a heart, a positive emotion... something way more valuable. I know there will be the time when I say to myself "wow, I'm so glad I held my breathe for that moment" because in the end.... it's only going to benifit me. I shouldn't excpet others to be like this. Not when people my age are ignorant and intolreant to others that do the same things they do. And holding my breathe and keeping my fist from being raise will save me much trouble. People my age aren't like me. There are a few... but not many. Not as equiped as I am. they don't realize the oppurtnuites they have. They don't understand the concepts and real values to life like I do.

I'm a very fortunate source of energy. I'm a very very very fortuante beign for my age.