J.V.O.

I lean in to kiss you and our lips meet. You close your eyes and mine stay open. I fear if I allow my eyes to shut you may not be around when I wake from the trance kissing you surrounds me with. And to see your face so close to mine, and feel your hands on my face or in my hair all of it makes me weak. Your glamorous smile glistens in the dark created from the blanket covering our warm bodies. I shiver and you pull me as if I could get any closer to you. You run you hand up and down my arms and body to create heat as you exhale on my neck melting the icy feeling, warming my blood. And I'm getting warmer, but I shiver and chatter my teeth. You hold me. I wrap you up in my arms, I kiss you and once again I'm lost. I wish I could see your eyes, but it's dark, I wish I could see your face, but there isn't enough light. I fearfully close my eyes and feel you. Your face, the hair on your chin, the back of your neck, my fingers come across the cross earring you wear and I bite down on your bottom lip. I can't see you... but I feel you. I imagine what we look like from an outsiders view. From someone that could smile at us. Not our overstimulated friends. Our... I see it as I video being played back. I see us happy and in love. And I feel the passion inside me. Not the passion of lust, but the passion of love. The feeling that drives me to dream. When I know that I'm happy just being next to you. When I don't mind your hands off me. When I don't care if this goes any further tonight. When I all I want to do is kiss you until the sun comes up and then sets back down once more. Every touch of your skin makes everything go away, these kisses... they take it my pain. It takes away the misery. Your better than the best of drugs my body has craved for me to consume another time. All I have to do is reply the times we've been together and I can survive another day, just long enough to make another memory with the man I love. To take each and everyday step by step with his hand in mine. What a precious thing I have come across. What a lovely picture I see being painted. All these emotions to match the colors. As difficult as you may be sometimes you always make up for it. Your stubbornness is nothing compared to your loving actions. It bothers me, and eats at me, time to time, but I excpect it. I love that part of you just as much as I love the sweet tasting compassion you give. And just thinking of our eyes locked for the short time we allow ourselves to stare feels me with joy. You read me like the books I've written in my head. They flow to a simple audience. It puts me out of my own place. It sets me back. And I'm scared you'll get bored of me. Im afraid that I may act too childish with you too often. I give away my gun as it's loaded, but never once have you used it on me. I just trust you. I feel comfortable with you. I love you with the parts of me I never knew I could love with. You opened the places that had been numb for too long. The parts of me I couldn't understand and the happiness I've always wanted to experience. You don't know how often I think about getting married to you. I know we agreed on Shadow and Amy Rose, yet I still picture you in a white tux. Your hair curly just the way I like it and it glistens in the sun. It's on the beach and our close friends and family are there. Nothing is fancy really. I don't even have a super crazy dress. Just a simple red one. Something so simple... from like Sears. Because.... I don't want our wedding to be expensive. I don't care if the bride maid's are even wearing a dress... All I care about is being there with you. That we proved everyone wrong about us. That we really do love each other, that I know I made the right choice when I said yes to you. When I take a deep breathe of ocean air right before I say "I do". And how I know my mother would love you. And that's why it breaks my heart even more that I found you now and not before. Because... you would be with me every night. She would have let you moved in with me. She could fix things. But my poor mother, she was always able to fix everything for everyone other than herself. I took advantage of her. Of her love. Of her money, of our time together and I hate myself for it everyday. I know you struggle with things. I know you have had and are still going through your hard times. Mine... are going on still. And I blame myself so much for her death. All she ever did was try to hold me and I'll I did was push her away. Day by day... word by word. And all these fond memories I have of her.... there is so much pain in them because, I look in the mirror, and I have her eyes. I see her nose, and smile. And if my hair was blond... I wouldn't be able to deal with it. I would not have the courage to get up every morning. I know my whole life all she did was try to connect with me, and as ironic as it sounds, once she did, two months later she passes away. And I'm left with all the burdens she had. And to tell you the honest truth, I fear having a daughter. Because I know how much I hurt my mother, and I don't want to be hurt by mine the way I hurt my mother. That, and I would be jealous. From my understanding, the most beautiful relationship is that of a father and daughter. But, I want you to have that. I really do. And by this point I'm so emotional that I'm speaking of anything that comes to mind. The things that I think about when we are together and apart. The things I want to tell you, but they get lost in my mind once I've thought of them.
I love the way you touch me, I love the way you whisper in my ear, I love the way you speak to me, I love the way our hands fit together, I love how I have a place to get lost and enjoy the mental illness that comes along with it, I love how your clingy, but still distant. You intrigue me and even though I have the main part of you figured out it's going to take me such a long time to understand your thinking process as well as I wish to. When I'm with you, I know that I'm predictable. I'm so childlike, and I'm so careless... but not a lot of people see that part of me. And a lot more have seen that because they are around me when you are. I'm serious, you really have this odd effect on me. And I really wish that I could step out of that sometimes and speak the way I write, and shower you with the truth without getting shy. But... that side of me I pull out when I feel weak and less. When I need confidence, but your enough confidence for me. You love me. And I know I love you. And no matter what silly thing we argue about or disagree about, I'm not going to let anything get in between us. Just as I said the night I first laid next to you. Nothing, I wont let anything get in between us. Even if I had to run and hide from the places I'm most comfortable with. I'd do almost anything for you at the time being. And I know those few things I wouldn't do now.... once time grows and I understand your thinking process completely would I do those things. And you've asked me to do such things before and I placed my hand on your throat, but I couldn't come to it.