A Look Into The Future

Today it was hard to wake up. It was hard to go outside. And it was hard to make it all the way over to Jon's. Something was wrong. I had been paranoid since 8pm the following evening. I hate being alone in this house. It may be the memories I've created here. All the things I've done that I shouldn't have and they haunt me when no one else is around. I could go on a list of things I've done here. The things I've tried to do here. And I think that is why I can't be in this house alone for too long. I need someone to talk to. And I dearly miss Louis. I'm sure the poltergeist do too. Or maybe they just like having me here. It's more fun for them because I pay attention to them and they bother me. They seriously play tricks with me and it's starting to drive me insane. It even brought me to my knees to pray. They even followed me when I went to the store this morning. It was such a sunny day, but they sat and waited in the shadows. And they turned into creepy old men looking at me and crazy looking trucks. Oh yes they did. And they tried to fool me. I allow them to get too close to me sometimes. They get in my head and then my stomach and I get really really sick. And I wasn't even feeling well enough to go see Jon. But I said fuck it. I'm so scared here. And I made my way there. It was a journey. Even the sky was off to me. It just bothered me. Everything about it. The color, the clouds the birds the sun. It all made me feel damned.

And then Jon wasn't even there when I got there. I was told he would be gone for a few hours. And I was glad I wasn't alone, but still not well enough. For some reason I felt as whatever power there is, that is greater than us knew I needed Jon like I did. He arrived fifteen minuets later. Wasn't long at all! And he had a Kitty with him! It made me smile and confused. He doesn't like cats. But he seemed to really like this kitten.

As the day went on... I settled a worried both he and I had. And he asked me if I wanted to have a kid. He amuses me. It's not that he was joking, but the way he goes about asking and doing the things he does brings me joy. He's not conservative about things society would be and he's in love. Just as I am. And he doesn't care. He was serious. And so was I. But... we didn't mean right now. For future plans. After the wedding... (in a year)

Jon decied to name the kitten Shadow Willow. Cute huh? lol. And I'm Mommy Willow and he's Daddy Shadow. Daddy-o! We had a great day. It was just lovely. We laid down with the kitten. And the three of us tried to sleep. The only one that got any sleep was the baby. Jon and I cuddled and then I'm sure teased eachother mockingly and lovingly. And everyone kept saying "the perfect little family" ok, maybe not everyone but Patrick did. It was cute. If you were to see the two of us with that kitten... you would have seen so much joy. It was like we had our own kid.

"Pretty like her mommy and twitchy like her dad" Jon said as he watched her sleep.
All I could do was smile and let the warmnth in me grow stronger even when I didn't know how to handle it.

Not only do we work well with eachother... we don't argue. We discuss things. Jon can be a stubborn person sometimes... but I am too. And yeah it took me a while to get out of him what I wanted out of him, but it worked. And I didn't yell or get mad, I just urged him to tell me so things could be right with us. He holds things in he shouldn't with me. And I know one day he'll understand how I work. And even when I'm on my period I am reasonable. And it's only with him. It's because our personalities fit together like that. He wants things to work out and so do i. It's not about being right, it's about finding the truth so our relationship can continue positivly and grow.

It bothers me that some people try to tear us apart. That they feed lies to him about me, and lies about me to him. It's pathetic. It's childish. Everyone know's before we got together what a mess the both of us were. But now.. we are happy. And for me I truly am happy. He's always there for me. I can talk to him about anything. And seriously... ANYTHING. He always understands. And I understand him even though sometimes he thinks I don't. He's been through a hard time and a lot of people wouldn't be able to grasp the intensty of it, but I do. I really do. I went through similar things. I just don't like shouting it out to the world. Not that he does, he doesn't, but just because I'm no longer going through those struggles, doesn't mean I lost the emotions I had when I did. I'm just refurring to something someone had said. I come off really decent. I act modest compared to some of my friends, but that doesn't mean I haven't been through things they have, I just know that not everyone needs to know what happened to me when I was younger. What good would it bring me? It would be different if it was my current situation. But it's not.

Jon tells me he's not good enough for me. But.. I don't know why he says this. It bothers me. I love him very much. He is charming, and handsome, loving, caring... He gives me everything that I've been searching for since I was able to dream about being with a guy. Love. I don't need money, or a car, or new shoes every week... a house... I don't need to be taken out to eat every weekend... He offers me the purest love.. the most caring arms to lay in. He gives me the world every day. He gives me a palce to hide, a person to cry to. A trustworthy lover, a faithful friend, a loyal comapnion. Yeah. He just... is everything I've ever wanted. And I don't think he'll ever understand it. I don't think so. Because.. to him... there are better looking guys. There are better off guys.. there are guys that are rich that I could get. There are guys that he see's better than himself. But those guys don't have anything to offer but failuer and twisted values.

Jon knows what life is about the way I know it. Jon and I share some of the same ideas. And we haven't even spoken of these things... but I already know. We think similar. We are different, have different lives, different people to deal with, and different emotional levels, but we do think similar. He's very articulate and I can't say what I want to say in an intellcutal way, but I am very intellctual, I just also of the balance of a the blond sterotype in me. But... I dont know... I think it makes me likeable. Makes me different. And it makes me laugh. I enjoy it. I enjoy the way I am. Well... thanks to Jon I'm able again anyways.


I want to be with him. I love being with him. I'm looking forward to the wedding. And after today... while laying with him and the kitten... I know I've always wanted kids. But I also know you can't have kids with just anyone. You can't. And the way he acted with the kitten... I... I... it just made my heart flutter. Because I knew... that he's the only guy I've come acrossed and been able to really say he would make a great father. We would do such a good job at it. He's not gonna be perfect right away. And I already know that. But what i saw in him today was... he did everything he could to love that kitten. He did everything he thought was right for kitten. And.... that's what a dad should be like. He dosen't have to do everything right. He shouldn't do everything right... (that's what the mom is for) but.... he does need to be loving, and caring. He does need to put his all into it.






Left to Right: My brother Noah, My Boyfriend Jon